The day my heart (almost) stopped

It’s been 52 days since you were born. I know 52 doesn’t make it a good number for a special celebration but to me every day is worth celebrating.

It’s funny cuz when you’re fussy and I’m tired I can’t wait to put you to bed so I can rest a little…but then I catch myself staring at you, anxious for you to wake up so I can look at those eyes and see your smile.2015/07/img_1317.jpg

Obviously you won’t remember any of this but I wish you would. It’s such a magical moment in our lives. I’m getting to know you just as much as you’re getting to know me. It’s really touching to see the look in your face when your gaze finally focuses on my eyes. You just open the biggest smile.

The first month was extremely difficult for all 3 of us. On Saturday June 7th (2015) you stopped breathing after puking all the milk you had eaten 30 minutes prior. The liquid was yellow, full of stomach acid which probably burnt your throat and now I see that your body closed your airway to protect itself from having stomach acid go down to your lungs… But when it happened it was terrifying. Vovó Kiki and tia Gabi were there too and tia Mari also. Dad was working on the new house so we could move in. I turned you sideways, tapped your back hard but nothing would make you come back. I started to get nervous, I knew the situation could only go two ways and the good one wasn’t looking promising.

My hands started shaking, I started crying, all of a sudden I could think logically. I passed you to Vovó and tia Mari. I was so anxious. I really broke down when I heard Vovó say “call 911! He’s not breathing!”

Vovó ran to the new house to get dad while tia Mari, who is a cpr trained lifeguard, tried to bring you back. Your dad also tried but none of us could help you. All I could think was what would be left of us if you died… And I kept asking for you to please don’t die.

The ambulance showed up and even the ems lady was freaking out because you were so tiny that they couldn’t even suction you. They even tried using just the tube from the mask but you were only 2 weeks old and your nose was too tiny.

2015/07/img_1041.jpg2015/07/img_1039.jpgWhen we got to the hospital there were 15 doctors and nurses waiting for us. Wahiawa general Hospital is really not prepared for little humans. By then you had calmed down. I kept holding you skin to skin while the doctors tried to take blood from your foot. That in itself was super Crappy! It made you cry of pain… I kept hearing that screechy cry and rears kept rolling from my eyes because I really couldn’t help you, I couldn’t make your pain stop.

They checked your blood and pee for signs of infection but that was ruled out. Xray was also clear. We got transferred to kapiolani children’s hospital and stayed there for the next couple days under observation. They also did a GI tract contrast xray that pointed out you have reflux… Bad! And you are also veeeery gassy. To aggravate that even more I have an overload of milk.

2015/07/img_1075.jpg2015/07/img_1052.jpgFrom that day on I had to nurse you while laying down flat to make things difficult and only for 10 minutes, 1 boob each time. I also had to eliminate all dairy, soy and several fruits and veggies that would make you gassy. Needless to say chocolate, coffee and alcohol were also not a part of my menu. It’s hard having such a restricted diet but I know it’s worth it. We also have to keep you upright after every feeding (which is 12 times per day) and your crib mattress was seriously elevated to help keep the food down. I just wish you would take the pacifier because it would really help with the reflux but you just hate it!!

 

 

2015/07/img_1666.jpgIt’s been a little over 1 month since the scariest day of my life and you’re doing so much better! You’ve learned how to cough which gives me great peace of mind since you won’t choke as much. You’ve also already doubled your birth weight, which is pretty incredible for any baby especially one with reflux.

So, like I was saying, even though 52 is not a special number it still means 52 reasons I have to celebrate your life! I’m so glad you’re our son.

Love you so much Benji!

 

 

 

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5/20/2015 – The Day I Met You

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Son,

You are finally here and I still cant believe it. It seems as surreal to wake up next to you every day as it was when I first saw you coming out of me just 5 days ago.

My mind keeps spinning at how little and innocent you are… and that you’re mine, a piece of me (even though you really look like your dad). Nowadays I spend the majority of my time just staring into your eyes, waiting for you for eyes to find mine. And when they do it’s an emotion I cant describe… it just feels like we’re meant for each other. We belong together. Your eyes fixate on mine and mine in yours and we just stare, getting to know one another.

Today you actually smiled at me. It was so incredible! We had been looking at each other for a while and I sent you a kiss and you just gave me the biggest smile. I’m never gonna forget this moment. Im so in love with you.

I know time will fly by and all of a sudden it’ll be you holding your baby with me looking over your shoulder thinking about this very moment I’m living through today. I never want to forget any if it. I know you want remember any of this but I’ll cherish these moments forever.

I look forward to all the moments we’ll spend together.

Welcome to the world my little one!

I love you so much,

Mom

Playlist for Your “Birth” Day

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Dear son,

I’m sitting in my desk, at work, during my lunch… I’m making a playlist of songs I’d like to play for you on your birth day. As I go through the songs and listen to the lyrics, I’m so filled with love and emotion… I sit here crying, touching my belly, feeling you kick, and I can’t wait to meet you my baby. Read the rest of this entry

Hi Baby Boy!!

IMAG0021Hi “No Name” Baby Boy!

You have finally started gracing with some kung fu movements! We’re half way there baby, just keep on the kicking so I know you’re doing good. You always put a smile on my face when you kick me… You might as well do it now because if you pull one of these kung fu moves when you’re out you might just get some whoopings! :P I’m sure you’ll be a good boy! Read the rest of this entry

Choosing a Career Path

Hi baby,

I think I’ll share this with you when you’re a teenager…but as I’m writing this post, you’re still in my belly and you’re a tiny 17 weeks old. I’m writing these posts so that I remember things I wanna share with you but also so that I don’t forget who I was and the kind of mom I want to be as you grow. Read the rest of this entry

You’re a Boy!! My Boy! :)

boy 11.21Hi Baby Boy!!

You don’t have a name yet but we found out a few days ago that you’re a boy! We are so happy to have you join us in a few months! Cant wait to kiss you and hold you!

You are 16 weeks and 6 days old today and I think you can hear us already! We’re gonna try to keep the cussing down! LOL It’s a learning experience for all 3 of us. I felt you move a couple times last week, but it was so quick. Please kick me as much as you like, I’m looking forward to it. But be reminded that this “free pass” is only good until May! Read the rest of this entry

Can’t Wait to Hold You!

ultra2I’ve longed for this moment for so long… the day that I would finally have you growing in my belly… when that day finally came I was so excited! But it was so hard to accept reality… I felt like something was over my head and it was a matter of time before the rug was pulled from under my feet.

Then one day I started bleeding. It was terrifying. The doctor said it was a natural thing but that I should stay in bed rest until the bleeding stopped for 7 days in a row. I was divided between my hopeful dreams of you and the cruel reality in front of me.

Time never passed so slowly. 

Read the rest of this entry

10 Things Your Mom Never Told you

smnty-300x200b1. You made her cry… a lot. She cried when she found out she was pregnant. She cried as she gave birth to you. She cried when she first held you. She cried with happiness. She cried with fear. She cried with worry. She cried because she feels so deeply for you. She felt your pain and your happiness and she shared it with you, whether you realized it or not.

2. She wanted that last piece of pie. But when she saw you look at it with those big eyes and lick your mouth with that tiny tongue, she couldn’t eat it. She knew it would make her much happier to see your little tummy be filled than hers.

Read the rest of this entry

Mommy + Baby = 1

Hi Baby!!

I can’t believe that we are finally together! This feels so surreal… I’m still overtaken by a mix of feelings because it’s really early and I don’t feel you yet… I’m in love and scared, anxious and happy, nervous and looking forward to going through each stage with you.

Read the rest of this entry

Exercising Patience

 

Rainbow07Patience Being one of the most impatient people I know and under the assumption that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I would like to register this message from Osho, to one day share with my children.

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