Drinking My Way Through the 2 Week Wait
I’m 8 days past ovulation and I fucking hate this! Can time move any slower? I’ve had 14 two week wait periods since I started trying to make you from nothing and I have shown signs that several personalities reside in me.
It all started with the sweet hopeful bliss of finally taking the step of making a little human with the one you love. The baby making sessions at this stage involve romantic music, candles, flowers and sexy lingerie. It’s an amazing time in every couple’s life.
A few months later and you start to suspect you’re doing this baby making thing wrong. You thought that it was all about getting the beef in your taco but turns out you’re missing a piece of the puzzle. So you buy ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and start testing every day on the next cycle to make sure you don’t miss it. You don’t know it yet but it’s only the beginning of an obsession that will consume you.
A few more months pass and you’re pissed at Mother Nature, you’re pissed at everybody. Everyone else seems to get pregnant right away! What the fuck is going on dude? It’s been 6 months already! Plenty sperm has whirled up this river and none of them can find their way up there? Are they retarded? I need a new strategy! Next cycle, I’m gonna stay upside down for 30 minutes at the end of every session. Bingo!
Well, it’s been several months, we’ve tried it naturally, we’ve tried OPKs, we’ve tried gravity, we’ve tried it every day, we’ve tried it every other day. I’ve stopped drinking coffee and alcohol (it was fucking hard parting ways from my BFFs Java & Pinot), my main meal consists of a whole catalog of supplements, I’m eating pineapple core like it’s going out of style and I’m doing every voodoo I’ve learned on Google to get this baby growing inside me.At this point I’m this close to stealing a baby at Toys’R’Us.
It’s time to see a doctor. We enter the era of fertility drugs. It all starts with an innocent pill… a couple weeks later you’re ready to stab someone and then you go crawling underneath the covers the very next minute crying yourself to sleep over The Notebook. Nobody understands you and everyone just seems to think that if you would just relax it will happen. You’re right… I should have thought of that before… Well, fuck you motherfuckers!
You’re officially a raging bitch and there’s no turning back. Not even wine can save you. You can no longer go on Facebook because all your friends who got pregnant when you first started trying are now posting pictures of their beautiful newborn babies. The husband? For his own safety he has learnt to shut up, show up, get it up and get it done because you need a baby in your belly yesterday! He’s not sure whether you’re hormonal, insane, or a combination of both so to play on the safe side, husband just obeys.
Little did I know (yeah, I was talking about me the whole time… shocker) the emotional roller coaster had just started. Four months later and you’re now injecting yourself daily with hormones and sex has resumed to waking up the husband when you get home late from work on your overly anticipated baby making night so you can put a session in at midnight before going to bed.. Or should I say, shift… yeah, at this point the lingerie has been burnt down on a drunken angry riot, the candles have flown out the window, and all CDs have been scratched up. Sex is merely a job, the means to an end.
You’re delirious and you make no sense. Ridiculous questions go through your head… Why is this happening to me? Does my egg maybe only survive for a few minutes? Will jogging force the sperm to come out of me? Is God punishing me? Would it have happened if I were a virgin? Do virgins still exist? Why is that weirdo staring at me?
The only lesson I can take away from this is that this no alcohol policy fucking sucks and I’m revoking it for good. Husband learned a lesson too; make sure we have at least 3 back up bottles of red wine. Sorry kids, but I figured that growing in this household you’ll be drinking eventually, so why not start now? At least moma gets to have a little fun.
They say laughter is the best medicine.. they lie.. it’s fucking wine and brownies! Remember that!