The day my heart (almost) stopped

It’s been 52 days since you were born. I know 52 doesn’t make it a good number for a special celebration but to me every day is worth celebrating.

It’s funny cuz when you’re fussy and I’m tired I can’t wait to put you to bed so I can rest a little…but then I catch myself staring at you, anxious for you to wake up so I can look at those eyes and see your smile.2015/07/img_1317.jpg

Obviously you won’t remember any of this but I wish you would. It’s such a magical moment in our lives. I’m getting to know you just as much as you’re getting to know me. It’s really touching to see the look in your face when your gaze finally focuses on my eyes. You just open the biggest smile.

The first month was extremely difficult for all 3 of us. On Saturday June 7th (2015) you stopped breathing after puking all the milk you had eaten 30 minutes prior. The liquid was yellow, full of stomach acid which probably burnt your throat and now I see that your body closed your airway to protect itself from having stomach acid go down to your lungs… But when it happened it was terrifying. Vovó Kiki and tia Gabi were there too and tia Mari also. Dad was working on the new house so we could move in. I turned you sideways, tapped your back hard but nothing would make you come back. I started to get nervous, I knew the situation could only go two ways and the good one wasn’t looking promising.

My hands started shaking, I started crying, all of a sudden I could think logically. I passed you to Vovó and tia Mari. I was so anxious. I really broke down when I heard Vovó say “call 911! He’s not breathing!”

Vovó ran to the new house to get dad while tia Mari, who is a cpr trained lifeguard, tried to bring you back. Your dad also tried but none of us could help you. All I could think was what would be left of us if you died… And I kept asking for you to please don’t die.

The ambulance showed up and even the ems lady was freaking out because you were so tiny that they couldn’t even suction you. They even tried using just the tube from the mask but you were only 2 weeks old and your nose was too tiny.

2015/07/img_1041.jpg2015/07/img_1039.jpgWhen we got to the hospital there were 15 doctors and nurses waiting for us. Wahiawa general Hospital is really not prepared for little humans. By then you had calmed down. I kept holding you skin to skin while the doctors tried to take blood from your foot. That in itself was super Crappy! It made you cry of pain… I kept hearing that screechy cry and rears kept rolling from my eyes because I really couldn’t help you, I couldn’t make your pain stop.

They checked your blood and pee for signs of infection but that was ruled out. Xray was also clear. We got transferred to kapiolani children’s hospital and stayed there for the next couple days under observation. They also did a GI tract contrast xray that pointed out you have reflux… Bad! And you are also veeeery gassy. To aggravate that even more I have an overload of milk.

2015/07/img_1075.jpg2015/07/img_1052.jpgFrom that day on I had to nurse you while laying down flat to make things difficult and only for 10 minutes, 1 boob each time. I also had to eliminate all dairy, soy and several fruits and veggies that would make you gassy. Needless to say chocolate, coffee and alcohol were also not a part of my menu. It’s hard having such a restricted diet but I know it’s worth it. We also have to keep you upright after every feeding (which is 12 times per day) and your crib mattress was seriously elevated to help keep the food down. I just wish you would take the pacifier because it would really help with the reflux but you just hate it!!



2015/07/img_1666.jpgIt’s been a little over 1 month since the scariest day of my life and you’re doing so much better! You’ve learned how to cough which gives me great peace of mind since you won’t choke as much. You’ve also already doubled your birth weight, which is pretty incredible for any baby especially one with reflux.

So, like I was saying, even though 52 is not a special number it still means 52 reasons I have to celebrate your life! I’m so glad you’re our son.

Love you so much Benji!
















About Love,DANI

I have recently developed Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder in order to mask the fact that my ability to procreate might be fully dependent on my bank account balance. Some think I'm bossy others think I'm soft, but the truth is I'm a sugglebunny she-ra wine drinking slave working alpha bitch that just wants to have some goddamn babies. is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid and decided to write down all the things my mom did wrong but blogs didn't exist. So I take notes of things I want to teach my imaginary kids, good and bad. You'll find that I fluctuate between loving and crazy wannabe mom. I hope my kids will read this someday. This one is for my bitches and I write about whatever I want, whatever thought is on my mind that day. Beware, I freely curse ad I'm a firm believer that swear words are here to emphasize my thoughts.

Posted on July 12, 2015, in Benji, Dear Son.... Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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