Category Archives: Love

5/20/2015 – The Day I Met You

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Son,

You are finally here and I still cant believe it. It seems as surreal to wake up next to you every day as it was when I first saw you coming out of me just 5 days ago.

My mind keeps spinning at how little and innocent you are… and that you’re mine, a piece of me (even though you really look like your dad). Nowadays I spend the majority of my time just staring into your eyes, waiting for you for eyes to find mine. And when they do it’s an emotion I cant describe… it just feels like we’re meant for each other. We belong together. Your eyes fixate on mine and mine in yours and we just stare, getting to know one another.

Today you actually smiled at me. It was so incredible! We had been looking at each other for a while and I sent you a kiss and you just gave me the biggest smile. I’m never gonna forget this moment. Im so in love with you.

I know time will fly by and all of a sudden it’ll be you holding your baby with me looking over your shoulder thinking about this very moment I’m living through today. I never want to forget any if it. I know you want remember any of this but I’ll cherish these moments forever.

I look forward to all the moments we’ll spend together.

Welcome to the world my little one!

I love you so much,

Mom

Mommy + Baby = 1

Hi Baby!!

I can’t believe that we are finally together! This feels so surreal… I’m still overtaken by a mix of feelings because it’s really early and I don’t feel you yet… I’m in love and scared, anxious and happy, nervous and looking forward to going through each stage with you.

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Empty Arms, But Filled With Love

I love youHi Babies,

Can’t stop thinking about you…I’m very hopeful that this will be the month that you and I finally get together, as one, as mother and child.

I love you so much already even though I haven’t met you… we haven’t even made you yet. But I want you to know, I want to tell you this someday, that I’m fighting with all my strength to be able to hold you in my arms, to have you in our lives. Since our decision that it was time to bring you into the world and to have you in our family, my whole life has been dedicated to making that happen.

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Why am I doing this?

I decided to write my kids a book at a very young age… Growing up I would always catch myself thinking and sometimes even saying that I need to remember this moment when I have my own kids, so I don’t make the same mistake with my kid that my parents were “supposedly” making with me…

All this “injustice” I went through as a teenager, makes a lot more sense now that I’m a grown woman, but it’s still good to have the perspective…

Of course back then there was no blog so I’ll have to add these notes as I go through them in my mind… but I hope to one day share all this with a family of my own, my dear husband and my kids…

For now this is just between me and me…

Love,

me

The Unfortunate Visitor

Hi baby,

I’m sad to say that this is not the month your life begins 😦

Today went from being CD32 to being CD1… I spent all week with this feeling that aunt flo would come tomorrow and that I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but days would pass and it wouldn’t come… so I started to get hopeful… only to have a bigger fall. I’m so sad this was another bust cycle… but I am definitely not pregnant… this is not my month. When will it be be my turn? This is so  emotionally exhausting… the thought of never being pregnant goes through my mind so many times in a day… it’s hard to stay positive…

Now I need to call the clinic and let them know that aunt flo is here, but I’m gonna tell them it was here yesterday and I just didn’t have time to call it in. I read that if you take Clomid/Femara on days 2-6 it’s more likely to produce more than 1 egg at once… I would be so happy to have both of you inside my belly at once! This is what keeps me hopeful… I have to hold on to something.

I’m at work and it’s not going to be a very productive day… it’s hard when Im not mentally focused…

note to self: learn to have a calm heart in the middle of a storm.

Love,

Mom

The road to fertility

So… its been 1 year since we have been trying to conceive and it has been such a difficult road. At first we just stopped avoiding it and it was really exciting to be trying to make a baby with the man I love. We waited 9 years to start trying and it never once crossed our minds that we could have difficulty conceiving.

As time passed and we still got negative results, I started to research more about it and started doing OPK (ovulation prediction kit) tests but to my surprise they would never come out positive. The Gyno said I had to try for 1 year before seeking specialized help but the process was is full of ups and downs that I couldn’t wait any longer and decided to seek some professional help on month 10.

They ran all tests on me, my tubes are not blocked, I have plenty follicles, good thickness of lining and good hormone levels, except for the latest thyroid exams who decided to go crazy on the 11th hour.

Andy also had a sperm analysis done and although the numbers weren’t great they were definitely normal and the fact that he was extremely dehydrated from drinking the night before didn’t help because is sperm is thicker than normal when dehydrated, so spermies can’t swim as well.

Nonetheless, this brought us together and I feel that we are working as a team. We have both cut caffeine and alcohol from our diets and have been taking supplements to help. Anything is game!

In December we did our first Clomid cycle. I took 100 mg for 5 days. It was a good month, we felt very hopeful, but unfortunately the test was negative… I decided at that point that after so many negative tests I would no longer take them unless I was really late… something about taking the tests made me feel really hopeful even though the symptoms weren’t there.

The following month we switched to Femara, 5 mg. Today is my 14th day after ovulation but I’m pretty sure it didn’t work. I should be getting my period tomorrow or the day after. I really didn’t like this medication, it made me very emotional, I cried a lot this month and had so many headaches. I don’t know if it was related to the pill or not, but it was definitely not my normal.

This week we’ll know for sure whether this round worked or not. I’m really hoping that Im wrong about this and its a big fat positive!

For now, I need to stay positive! I can’t wait until I have you in my belly!

Love, mom