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My Precious Baby Girl 

Bella girl,

I wish I could put in words how much in love with you I am 😍. I could stay here all night looking at your beautiful sleeping face. I just finished making dinner for your brother and us, chicken picatta and veggie Wellington, and now I’m sitting here in the kitchen watching you sleep. 

I hope life gets even better than this but it’s really hard to imagine. To watch you and your brother grow up, this up close, is such a privilege! I’m happy beyond words that I was chosen to be your mommy and I promise to always be there for you!

You’re only a few weeks old now, in 1 week you’ll be 3 months old, and I can see a lot of your personality already. You eat A LOT! Overall you’re a very happy baby, but you don’t give out smiles for free, at least not initially. Once someone makes eye contact with you there comes that big smile that warms up my heart. You’re also very demanding! You want things done right now! Poor me if I can’t change your poopy diaper immediately. Thankfully you don’t mind being flat on a bed, although you absolutely love being held up. And it shows! You hold on to my shoulder so tightly and look around us with so much curiosity… Everything is so new for you… And magical for me. I hope I can guide you through this journey so that this sparkle of interest never fades.

I love you so much baby girl!

Love, mom

Update : it’s been 3 weeks since I wrote this and things have changed a little bit. You put you down is to torture you and you sure do let me know! 

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Strong Momma Mantra

Dear kids

While you live in our house I need you to understand that you will obey the rules. One day, you’ll have your own house, and you can set your own rules.

This is not a democracy, I didnt campaign to be your mom and you didnt vote for me. We’re mother and son/daughter by the grace of God and I respectfully accept the privilege and responsibility of raising and educating you. By accepting it I also inherit the obligation of my role as your mom.

Im not your friend; our ages are too far apart. We can share many things, but we’re not buddies. Im your mother, and that is a thousand times more important than a friend.

You will have many friends, but Im the only mother you’ll ever have. In this house you’ll do as I say without questioning me because everything I tell you to do is motivated by respect and love. It will be difficult to understand at times… until you gave a child of your own.. until then, just trust me.

I love you,

Mom

Life Will Teach You

Son,

You’ll learn many lessons in your life… My job is to guide you through your path and help you learn the lessons life has to teach you. Some people can take things pretty hard while others handle it graciously. I want to help you understand that the way you see and deal with the situations you’ll be in is purely up to you; its 100% your choice. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

You cant beg or ask for love… you just wait. You either live “love” or you don’t. There’s no in between. There are no “maybes” in love.

Jealousy is a useless emotion. Jealousy will not make someone be faithful to you.

Animals are angels in disguise, sent to this planet by God to  teach humans about loyalty.

Children learn from what you do, not what you say.

People that talk about others to you will also talk about you to other people.

To forgive and forget will keep you young.

Water is an amazing remedy.

Creativity walks hand in hand with being broke,

Authenticity is the best and only way to impress someone.

Real friends will never leave you.

Love is the best weapon against hate.

Differences make life more interesting and beautiful.

Believing doesn’t make anyone a fool. Lying does.

Children are rare gifts.

You’ll be remembered by your reputation and actions.

Thank you, excuse me, sorry, please… are all magic words… keys that will open the doors to a better life.

Love breaks barriers, unites factions, destroys prejudice, cures diseases. There’s No decent life without love.

Love, Mom

3 month update!

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My friend just had a baby and I look at her baby, then I look at Benji, and its so unbelievable how much how much changes babies go through in such a short period of time. You’re grown since you were born! Pretty much more than doubled your weight and all you do is drink milk! hahahah

I want you to know that I love taking care of you and I consider it a privilege. I know you wont understand for a long time for its a privilege for both of us that we get to spend all day together like this.

Right now I’m teaching you to roll over… you’re getting kinda mad at me for that… looks pretty frustrating, but hey, it’s life… and you’re gonna master your motor skills in no time. Plus I always reward you with milk so we’re good!

You’ve been pretty obsessed with your hands… even though i try really hard to get you to play with toys… your hands do look very yummy, I admit! Just wish you would let me have some too! 😀 You’re also holding your head up pretty well. You can even stay seated on the bumbo seat already, all by yourself!

Just wanna say I love you Benji and Im so happy and honored I get to be your mom!! I promise I’ll make it a fun life for you!!

LOVE, Mom

Coming Out of the Infertility Closet

I wrote this post on my LOVEcomaDANI blog…. but wanted to share it with you all as well… hopefully it inspires you too.

LOVEcomaDANI

My Infertility Closet Everyone has secrets, things we find hard to talk about. We all have closets…and they are scary and we hate it. Closets are just a hard conversation. This is a story of how coming out of the infertility closet has set me free.

Some closets might contain lighter secrets than others but make no mistake, all closets are hard to come out of. At first closets feel safe. They provide a world where your insecurities can pass by unscathed and unacknowledged by others. It may feel like keeping your closet door shut you’re safeguarding your heart, but in reality you’re cultivating a time bomb.

For months I endured silent depression and deep sadness, all alone. My husband was is denial that there was any problem at all with us and just kept repeating we should keep trying and one day it would happen naturally. Friends also ask when we were gonna have…

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You better recognize

Kids,

You better recognize that not only I’m willing to be covered in poop, barf, and snot for the next 10 7 5 years, I also had to go through some fucked up shit just to get you to exist.

It’s never too late to learn to be grateful and thank others for their sacrifices. Now, how about that back rub?

2014-04-22 15_40_48-Funny TTC Thread! _ Trying to Conceive (TTC) 2014-04-22 15_40_01-Funny TTC Thread! _ Trying to Conceive (TTC)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love,

Mom

 

 

 

 

Did Your State Score an ‘F’ on This Fertility Report Card?

I was happy I live in Hawaii… Goddamn it! now I need to move to Massachussetts…

Drinking My Way Through the 2 Week Wait

Kids,

I’m 8 days past ovulation and I fucking hate this! Can time move any slower? I’ve had 14 two week wait periods since I started trying to make you from nothing and I have shown signs that several personalities reside in me.  

Trying to Conceive

Baby-Dust

It all started with the sweet hopeful bliss of finally taking the step of making a little human with the one you love. The baby making sessions at this stage involve romantic music, candles, flowers and sexy lingerie.  It’s an amazing time in every couple’s life.

A few months later and you start to suspect you’re doing this baby making thing wrong. You thought that it was all about getting the beef in your taco but turns out you’re missing a piece of the puzzle. So you buy ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and start testing every day on the next cycle to make sure you don’t miss it. You don’t know it yet but it’s only the beginning of an obsession that will consume you.   

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Add another one to the list

Just left the doctors office… I told her that this month i had several headaches, hot flashes and dizziness and she decided to get me back on Clomid since the difference in lining thickness wasn’t that great from Femara’s. It was depressing though, I’m so tired of this routine, the ups and downs, and the constant disappointment. :/

The good news is that this cycle we’ll add injectables, gonal-f or ovidrel, which helps with the lining and increases my chances of twins too. Its really expensive and we should probably not be spending this much, but we want you in our lives so bad… I hope I get to meet both of you in 10 months..

I went to a close by Goodwill store to kill some time and get my mind off this, see some other peoples memories for a while.. Plus I cant go home with a swollen red face… My parents live with us at the moment and they’ll ask me all sorts of questions… I have a real hard time being vulnerable and even worse when people know about it, so I haven’t shared my feelings with many people…

Maybe thats the reason all this is happening, to teach me to embrace vulnerability, to make me understand that even though its hard going through this, I can only feel infinite love if i allow myself to be vulnerable… What is motherhood without love and what is love without vulnerability?

If thats what i need to do, then so be it.

Love,

Mom

Hello!

Through my difficult infertility road I’ve decided to do something I’ve always wanted to do… write you a life long letter, of my life and what I’ve been through, of all I had to do just to have you.

I don’t have any kids yet but writing this blog is a way for me to visualize you and hopefully this will help materialize our dream of having you in our family.

For now, I just want to say i can’t wait to meet you one day!

Love,
Mom